Tantrums, rain and digging a hole in the dark

 I feel like sh1t.

I feel sad, and angry (at myself) and guilty.


My day today has involved, in this order :
-Tantrums
-E doing a poo in her knickers
-tantrums
-A walk with E, the dog and two of the kittens
-Leaving one of the kittens behind  not far from home due to him being spooked by a dog and the fact it was starting to rain and E has a cold
-Heading out to look for him around two hours later when he hadn't made it home at that stage
-Finding him, already stiff, soaking wet and with half his brains no longer in his head
-Carrying him home, showing his mother, brother and sisters his body, digging a hole in the garden as torrential rain teemed down on me, and burying him.
Not sure what to say to E. I don't want to lie to her but how do you explain death to a two year old?? Seriously, how? I don't want to scare her or confuse her either. Damnit.
Some good things happened too, like apple and blueberry cake and catching up with a really good friend and the fact my raising kids without religion facebook group created yesterday already has over fifty members and loads of topics. But it's hard to focus on any of that now.


Goodbye, Tom Kitten. Only about six months old.Here he is, at the beginning of the walk this afternoon, on the left (on the right is Fang who has come for several walks with us before).