It's just because

Another poem. This was imagined in the days of worry, and written the day I got the bad news. I am not religious at all, I am an atheist. I don't think there is a "Meant to be", I don't think there is a reason or a higher purpose. I think that my miscarriage is just one of those shitty things. 


It's just because


It’s not because I wore a belt with my jeans
It’s not because I barely felt sick
It’s not because I breastfed my daughter
Nor because I walked the dog almost every day
And wanted to stay fit and healthy for my pregnancy.

It’s not because I ate chocolate one day
And stuffed my face with vegetables the next
It’s not because I ordered teeny tiny cute cloth nappies already
Nor because I told so many people before the first three months were passed,
And jumped up and down all happy and full of excitement and hugs.

It’s just because the world is sometimes cruel and chaotic
And deeply darkly tragic
It’s just because of that that I have to say goodbye to you
Before I even met you.

It’s not because I carried my big girl in my arms
Or held her on my hip as we walked
It’s not because I had a glass of wine the week before we found out
It’s not because I wondered about names and what we’d call you
And what you’d look like or what your first word would be.

It’s just because the world sometimes works this way
This sometimes harsh and random way,
It’s just because of that that I have to say goodbye
Before I ever got a chance to say hello.